Drowning

Overdue, it's been a long time coming. writing letters to myself hoping that one day in the future I can come back and laugh at this shit, but truthfully, I feel like i'll be here forever. drowning my feelings in highly carbonated alcoholic drinks is the only way i know, the only truth that I can find. There is truth in solitude, liquid courage and my favorite tunes. It's not like anyone cares, getting wasted by myself at the house, FUCK YOU

"I'll be seeing you!"

"Well, well, well!!" He said "look who it is! Didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon," Peter was saying, at a glance it looked like he was sitting alone, but if you took a harder look you could see a shadowy figure sitting across the table from him. "How's everything been? I thought you were gone for sure, I was just starting to get used to you not being around!" The shadowy figure made a nodding motion, and a soft chuckle, it took a deep breath and let out a long sigh... it didn't say a word though "so that's how it's gonna be? That's ok, I understand. It's been a while, you've forgotten about all our good times!" "I haven't," assured the the shadowy figure in a scratchy voice, a tiny ember crept up slowly to its mouth and hung there for a few seconds "I've come to make peace, we never had a proper goodbye, and I'm glad we didn't. You have always been a great friend to me, but this time things will be different..."  Peter let out a sarcastic laugh, "oh you! I thought you'd learn a thing a or two, but apparently you haven't!" The shadowy figure stood up abruptly, like a blur, it whisked its way to the other side of the table and sat next to Peter. "I have learned a lot, Peter, in fact, there's a few things I can teach you now." This time Peter actually broke out into a fit of laughter, real laughter, and after he had been able to catch his breath, lit a cigarette "you actually made me laugh, maybe you have learned some new things..." the shadowy figure sat in silence for a minute, looking in Peter's direction, then turned its head and looked straight ahead. "I know I haven't been around for a while, and I apologize, but I've also learned that I could not have gotten to where I am now if it wasn't for you..." a thin blur of shadow began to wrap around Peters shoulder, slowly leaning Peter up against its shadowy blob of a figure. "For a while, I seemed better off without you, but as time crept on, I began to see that even though I was disregarding your very existence for these past years, that didn't change the fact that you were still a part of me, your traits have grown in me, and whether I acknowledged them or not, they were there, they just didn't have a name, and they certainly weren't 'me'," a glowing tear rolled down Peters cheek, and soon after, another one down the other. The figure looked at Peter again "there are many new things that I can teach you, it is only fair for me to give something in return for what YOU have given me...." one of the glowing tears fell to the  ground, creating a splash, creating a glowing ripple in the endless void. "The shadow rubbed Peter's furry head with it's 5 wispy fingers, Peter giggled. A distant light had began to creep up from below, growing stronger by the second. "This is a new beginning, buddy. A brighter future!" The light grew stronger and stronger in the distance, lighting up the void that surrounded them. The figure began to vanish as the light grew, Peter's face had never felt such warmth, his body had never felt so much comfort, his feet and hands had stopped feeling numb and the tips of his fingers no longer felt like stubs of wood. "I'll be seeing you, friend!!" Shouted Peter as he stood up and waved towards the bright rising light, "I'll be seeing you very soon!"

NFG

"This is Peter Paray, I am at the point of not giving any fucks. I don't need a fucking narrator to set the mood or to explain the situation. This is the situation. FUCK YOU. My life is a series of fucked up events occurring at the wrong time and I don't need anyone to explain that to you. Yes, it's possible to have a change of heart, it's possible to become a totally new person, but honestly... I don't want to be that person, I like who I am! I like hating everybody, I like hating myself, I like being alone, and being frowned upon by society, that's who I am! I like getting flat tires in the middle of the night, 5 minutes away from home, with a 12 pack of beers in the car and a slight buzz (that 5 minute drive turned into an hour and a half).  I DONT GIVE A FUCK... I am who I am, nobody can change that but me, and I don't care for changing who I am, so I guess that's who I'll be forever. I don't need your approval, I don't need to be accepted. I'm angry that I feel so angry, and that angers me.. Knocking down beers by the minute, I feel sick to my stomach, but that's a feeling that I'm used to, hating my own guts as they breathe and digest for me. I'm a fucking asshole and I've accepted that. I AM PETER PARAY. Bring it on!!!!"

Incredible

If you could go back into your past, at this very moment and change ONE significant event in your life, what would it be and how would your life have been different? 

Back

As you may have never noticed. Peter has been gone for quite some time. He's been on a vacation, a sort of road trip, taking in experiences from an elevated point of view. He had taken off to see the country, to see his people in this place we call home. 

Peter sat in his dark lonely void once again. Remembering the pain, the grief, the memories that made him... Peter. He drank his cat blood and smoked his cigarette. Thinking back at all he had seen, all he'd forgotten, the faces he'd never see again. Life was a realm, and he was the King. 

Peter was sitting down watching the stars fall and planets explode when it all came to him suddenly, all his angst, his anger, his self essence... Suddenly he was sitting within his void, on his throne of old dirty laundry and forgotten photos. "It feels good to be back... Well not really, but I'm back". He listened to the motors roar and it hurt his ears. He had tried to make human contact once again and was rejected.. Once again. It all came back as fast as a flash of lightning, rising up from the ground and creating a loud thunderous roar "I AM PETER PARAY" how did he forget? He had found bliss for what felt like a year, but suddenly had turned into a few seconds. "Where did the time go? All those scenarios and landscapes that I had seen with my own eyes, felt with the very core of my essence, it all turned into one long dream. One beautiful, vivid dream". He tried to live it again but it had passed so fast.. "I'm back to where it all started," but something had changed. His anger was angrier, his disappointment was more disappointing, but more importantly, his void was darker then ever before. 

Bickering Brothers

Looking in from the inside, Peter truly understood what he's always known. Fighting with yourself to make the world your home, but no matter how hard he tried, he's never really been a part of it. Wondering if tomorrow will ever come, closing his eyes every night, thinking he'd never open them again. "I've found my peace, but I can help but wonder what it would've been like. The butterfly effect, a single word, an action, accepting her dollar for a cigarette, it could've changed tomorrow. A good deed goes unnoticed, but a bad thought never goes unpunished." He sat and relished in his foolish wisdom, so bizarre and absurd it sounded almost intelligent. "Everything happens for a reason, and it's all led to this moment, this very second." He regretted nothing and took it all in as if he knew it were coming. Peter was no saint, Peter was no prophet, but he took in life good or bad and turned it in to his twisted fate, is altered future that he called "home."

Spiked

"Hey, babe! Didya miss me?" Peter spoke with confidence, trying to hide his low self esteem. "Nah..." Replied the sweet mellowed out voice of a woman. "I know, that was a rhetorical question you fucking cunt.." The answer only completely annihilated his never existing hope. He spat out words as if they were numbers to a math equation, they had no meaning to him but since he knew how they worked and how to place them, he might as well use them. He sipped from his red coca-cola can and made a grimacing face, twisted and contorted for a few seconds then back to the emotionless, hopeless grin he always has. He sat there staring at the long, green pasture, swaying in the gusty wind, imagining the life of an ant. The woman would curiously watch him as he would move his lips as if whispering a secret to the wind. "What makes you tick Peter?" Peter did not hear her, he was occupied in his own world. "Peter. What makes you tick??" A bit louder she asked again. Peter stopped whispering but still did not hear. There was a loud engine flying above them. Once the engine was barely audible she asked again, a bit annoyed, "what the hell is going through your head all the time Peter?! Peter looked at her directly in the eyes, as if he still did not hear her, but she knows he did.. 

Blissful Living

"I long for that moment, that feeling. Those short minutes that pass by unnoticeably fast, but feel like an eternity when you are in the moment. That 30 minute drive down the desertic road, only a few cars in sight, and nothing but desert bushes, and a long empty road. Those few hours of infinite joy, of feeling like nothing but a tiny insignificant particle on a dusty boulder, so useless, but so crucial to the balance of life itself. The dark storm clouds, loaded with the essence of flourishing life, looming over the hot, dry sand, waiting patiently for its blessing. That perfect moment in time that only you can see, and understand." Peter sat in the seat, admiring the beauty that has been given to these worthless humans, "all they do is tear down the beauty and build ugly useless buildings, buildings that eventually will be torn down by time, and the very force that they have tried to destroy in the first place." Peter laughed at all the inconsiderate people who can not find beauty, "little did they know, the beauty was right in front of them, since the beginning of time. But these humans are just so concentrated on looking in the mirror and trying to beautify themselves that they lose sense of what beauty really is." These realizations made Peter feel blissful, he couldn't stop observing the mountains, imagining all the life that is and used to be. 

The Never Ending Story

A lit cigarette burned slow between peters chapped lips, the smoke crawled up his pale face, and left its signature stench in his messy, uncombed, brown hair. He sat in his favorite chair, it was 2 am and he could see flashes of lightning in the distance, there's was no audible thunder but he waited patiently for the rain, he liked the rain. He took a long drag, held the smoke in for a while, then let it out slowly, savoring every last puff like it was his last. Peter had lost all emotion at this point, happiness, sadness, grief, pain, laughter... He was just a blob, nothing, he had nothing to look forward to, nothing to desire, he'd completely lost his mind. His days consisted of fighting dragons, mixing ingredients and making potions, and making steel plated armor. Some days he'd pick up an ak47 and shoot down nazi zombies, then he'd take a break and smoke a cigarette and go right back to where he left off. Other days he'd just sit and watch his fish tank, staring at it for so long he was convinced that he was a fish swimming inside the aquarium, floating so gracefully between the plants, and chasing his other companions. Peters mind had become blank, he had lost contact with all human life, and he did not desire interaction with anyone, he liked his world just the way it was. The days he had to do errands were nightmares. There were always awkward looks and situations, he never knew what to say and if he did.. Well he'd only make it awkwardly painful. His sentences weren't long, he never tried to have a conversation, he just wanted to get to the point, and get out. One thing Peter did love was sleeping.. He liked the darkness, the quiet, the dreams that he could almost never remember. It's too late for Peter, but his stories will never end.

Earth To Stranger

Peter had had too much to drink, his opinions were like kittens he was giving them away... "It's time I let everybody know.... My favorite color is red! My head is full of dread, my thoughts have turned to knots, and if I had to make the right decision, I'd probably go left. If anybody ever counted on me, I'd probably sing the alphabet, and if you ever thought I could be someone to look up to, you'd better look down. I'm no comedian, I'm no clown, I'm just a regular person, with an alter ego that expresses his nothingness for life. A sense of release, getting drunk at night listening to old music and wishing I lived in the past. I'll never judge a book by its cover, but I sure as hell will make assumptions, and until you prove me wrong, I will stick to those precautions. I may be rambling, but that's what I like to do. When I hang out with my true friends, I sit in silence and enjoy the company, talking is completely obsolete, actions speak louder then words, and what's even better then any action in the world, is sitting in silence by someone you cherish and bask in the glorious sounds of our planet earth. People get bored easy, and don't appreciate what's important, they like loud music, and stupid sounds that come from a computer, open your ears to the sound of earths first concept of music, the crickets, the birds, the frogs, they were here long before us, their music is older then light itself. Come back down to earth, you've gone way too far!" 

Can't Find A Way Back

Peter was unsure... Unsure of his decisions, unsure of where he lived, unsure of what he believed, he wasn't sure of what he saw on a daily basis, it all felt like a dream, he was unsure of life itself.. He wasn't sure of where he was going, or what he wanted to do, he wasn't even sure of why. Peter didn't see a point in living, he saw no point in being social, he didn't want to talk to anybody or be around people. He hated everybody, but he hated himself even more. Talking was a useless human interaction, and emotions were even less useful. He soaked his bones with alcohol and let all the excess water pour out of his body. He wanted to care, he wanted to love, he wanted to make someone feel special, but he's long forgotten how to do any of that, he's spent too much time wallowing in his own pity that he's just forgotten.. Forgotten to the point where he won't even let anyone into his life to remind him what life is all about, "but honestly," he said aloud under the polluted night sky, "life is simpler this way,  I have less to worry about and it's very satisfying," little things made him happy, and big problems never bothered him, all he ever worried about we're if he had enough cigarettes and alcohol to make it through the night... And he had plenty of both. He took another sip from his cup, "solitude is bliss, forget all the outside problems, as long as I have a place to rest my head and close my eyes, maybe one of these nights I won't open them ever again!" He didn't need love, he didn't need friends, he didn't need a home or a car, God gave us feet, and I damn sure will use them!" He chuckled, there really wasn't anything funny but he just laughed at himself and how far he had gotten to being absolutely nobody in a land of nothing. 

Born To Die

A pile of hot coals laid on the ground, burning with an orange glow, consuming itself, each coal enjoying the company of its fellow brothers and sisters, all burning passionately together. Peter sat in front of the small orange light, he watched the way some parts of the pile burned hotter, brighter than the rest, then they calmed down and got back to the same glow as the rest. He watched, as over time the coals began to turn grey as a layer of ash grow on each coal, and eventually fall off. Peters father came out and began to scold him, his father kept telling him what a fool he was being, how peters decisions could be better, "do what I tell you, Peter, I'm older, stronger, wiser, I know what's good for you!" Peter listened to every single word he said, and it infuriated him, it annoyed him, it was like a mosquito buzzing in his ear, but this mosquito he could not smack away. His father continued to scour him with "wise words" and "good advice" Peter had so much to say in return, but instead he sat in silence and let this man scrub him down to the bone, Peter held in his tears, he held in all his pain, he held in all his anger, his agony, his misery, he felt no need to prove himself, because it would be no use. He sat there and let this man feed him all these "tips and tricks" to life, but Peter felt it was no use, that his father was wasting his time and energy because no matter how many times he tells Peter, he still will not learn.. As humans, the best way for us to learn is by experience, by trial and error, by disappointment, success, achievement, by seeing results... This is why Peter did not speak once, he did not try to argue.. He just watched the coals burn with the flaming passion they had, and just like the coals, he enjoyed the comfort of his burning brothers and sisters, burning and burning and burning through layers, ash growing on him until he was just a pile of cool ash, only to be sweeped away by the air. 

Time

The music played, Peter felt its immense power come above him, the sweet melody, the cool tone came above him like a cloud of dust, carrying him away to a place far away. He could hear the clock ticking and with every second that passed he could feel his body transporting into the future, second by second. He realized he was a living, breathing time machine, carrying on a forgotten culture, a self destructive civilization. "I'd like to be here, but I can't!!" He smiled at the phrase, "I'm going to find my mind, I'm going to find my sanity, I'm going to fulfill what I'm supposed to do, I will never fail," he was confident, he was sure, he finally felt.... happy. "I will not let anyone ruin this, I have found my path and I will follow it, til the end, the end of time, the end of eternity!" This was a new Peter, one that not even Peter himself could recognize, and that was a sure sign of truly finding his sanity once again.

After Words

"Death seems like the only answer," Peter thought to himself. He was truly sick of life and being alive. The thought of death was beginning to sound like a good idea, he was on the edge of madness. He could feel terror coming near, he could hear screams, see blood, fear was nearing the hearts of many. He felt controlled by a higher power that was not god, he knew something was going on, something beyond anyone's control and he didn't want to be a part of it. He couldn't drink his sorrows away, he didn't have any smoke to help him forget, the pain, the grief, the miserable feeling of loneliness was growing larger on him, it was beginning to feel heavy, unbearable, he was drowning terribly and there was nobody reaching out to save him... He wanted to lay down in his bed and never wake up, he wanted to see what was after this plain, monotonous "life" that we have been given. "Maybe I'm not going to happy place afterwards, but maybe I am, I will never find out unless I go..."

You Won't Like It

Peter would like all of you to know something... "Humanity sucks, and the direction we are heading in will lead to complete self destruction" he took a deep breath, "I'd like for all of you to know, that I hate you all, we as human beings will never keep each other satisfied, we always let each other down at some point." He was simply rambling on, annoyed, sitting alone on a bench in the parking lot, he didn't see people anymore, he saw pests, rodents, animals, killing one another to feed their own families, Peter doesn't care if you like what he says or even if you like what I write about him, he doesn't care about your interests, or what amuses you, he isn't trying to put on a show, he wants you to laugh at him and call him a sick loser freak with no friends, don't try to be his friend, "don't even try to be 'different' cause you are all alike."

Same Shit Different Day

The same spot, the same chair, the same table, the same fan, the same music, the same phone, the same room, the same dog, the same cigarettes, everything was the same, except for the day. Although nothing has changed, Peter saw everything like never before, because although it was all apparently the same, he knew it wasn't. There were particles, and cells from other people, more footsteps, more hours have been added to all the same items that still layed on the table from weeks before, days have been added to Peter's eyes, he could see them differently, weeks have been added to his ears, he could hear the sounds more distinctly, with more understanding. It was in fact the same shit, but it wasn't the same at all... Only because the days have changed it.

Maintenance

Peter sat in silence as the cleaning lady walked in, he didn't say a word, he just sat there, hoping she wouldn't notice, he was as silent as a mouse, holding in his burps, whispering his deepest desires. He wanted to get away from everyone, he didn't want them to know his existence. Peter was valuable, but he didn't want anyone to know it. He made himself look like a clown, just so nobody would take him seriously, he didn't like being treated nicely, he liked being mistreated and ignored, that's how he wanted it. He was in his happy place, listening to the water run across the room, he had lost his mind already and there was nothing the cleaning lady could do about it.

Separation

Peter had began the process, the process of a new beginning, the process of leaving the past behind, the process of meeting new people and loving what he has, the process of seeing life from a new perspective and learning things from a different point of view, the process of giving but not expecting anything in return, Peter began the process of separation, becoming one, becoming whole. He awoke today with a light in his face, a flame burned in the place of his pupils, a firey passion burned in his heart, his soul was alive, he would take what is rightfully his. He began a journey, a journey that would take years, and a lot of patience. He listened to the birds sing outside his windows, dogs barking and alarms ringing, he closed his eyes to fall back asleep but his eyelids burned. "My future is promising," he said to himself as he jumped out of his bed, the phrase had been repeating in his head all night, he could feel it in his bones, every tissue of muscle that he had, the sound of music moved his every being, walking to the kitchen he felt like he was dancing. "This is my process."

Words

"Fuck all of you, I don't give shit, music is my best friend, it soothes my soul, and when you say it doesn't matter, it's all I have. I'm Peter fucking Paray, I don't care What you say, turn off the light, it's night on the sun!" Peter is out, the words are straight from his mouth, he's feeling good, he lights a cigarette, his blood is flowing, his mind is at ease, "smell 'em! HAHAHAHAHA!" He's fucking insane

Smoke in My Eyes

Peter lit a cigarette, he bathed in the smoke inside the tiny room. He sat peacefully, dreaming of nothing, just darkness, silence, being absolutely no one. "Pete!!" A voice shouted from outside that brought him back to this floating rock from which he exists, he listened carefully for the voice again...... Nothing. He took another drag, a ribbon of smoke wandered into his right eye, he blinked uncontrollably, it stung, he closed both eyes and drifted slowly back into his dark abyss. A few minutes passed and again "Pete!!!!!" Louder, stronger, more Affirmitive that it was actually there. "What the fuck!!" Shouted Peter angrily, "this fucking asshole," he said silently. He put out his cigarette and walked slowly to the other room and laid on his bed, alone, cold, the lights were out. He put a pillow over his head so he could shut out the outside world "blow it all up, blow it all up, blow it all up, blow it all up," he repeated as if commanding some outside force. "PLEASE!!"