Drowning

Overdue, it's been a long time coming. writing letters to myself hoping that one day in the future I can come back and laugh at this shit, but truthfully, I feel like i'll be here forever. drowning my feelings in highly carbonated alcoholic drinks is the only way i know, the only truth that I can find. There is truth in solitude, liquid courage and my favorite tunes. It's not like anyone cares, getting wasted by myself at the house, FUCK YOU

"I'll be seeing you!"

"Well, well, well!!" He said "look who it is! Didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon," Peter was saying, at a glance it looked like he was sitting alone, but if you took a harder look you could see a shadowy figure sitting across the table from him. "How's everything been? I thought you were gone for sure, I was just starting to get used to you not being around!" The shadowy figure made a nodding motion, and a soft chuckle, it took a deep breath and let out a long sigh... it didn't say a word though "so that's how it's gonna be? That's ok, I understand. It's been a while, you've forgotten about all our good times!" "I haven't," assured the the shadowy figure in a scratchy voice, a tiny ember crept up slowly to its mouth and hung there for a few seconds "I've come to make peace, we never had a proper goodbye, and I'm glad we didn't. You have always been a great friend to me, but this time things will be different..."  Peter let out a sarcastic laugh, "oh you! I thought you'd learn a thing a or two, but apparently you haven't!" The shadowy figure stood up abruptly, like a blur, it whisked its way to the other side of the table and sat next to Peter. "I have learned a lot, Peter, in fact, there's a few things I can teach you now." This time Peter actually broke out into a fit of laughter, real laughter, and after he had been able to catch his breath, lit a cigarette "you actually made me laugh, maybe you have learned some new things..." the shadowy figure sat in silence for a minute, looking in Peter's direction, then turned its head and looked straight ahead. "I know I haven't been around for a while, and I apologize, but I've also learned that I could not have gotten to where I am now if it wasn't for you..." a thin blur of shadow began to wrap around Peters shoulder, slowly leaning Peter up against its shadowy blob of a figure. "For a while, I seemed better off without you, but as time crept on, I began to see that even though I was disregarding your very existence for these past years, that didn't change the fact that you were still a part of me, your traits have grown in me, and whether I acknowledged them or not, they were there, they just didn't have a name, and they certainly weren't 'me'," a glowing tear rolled down Peters cheek, and soon after, another one down the other. The figure looked at Peter again "there are many new things that I can teach you, it is only fair for me to give something in return for what YOU have given me...." one of the glowing tears fell to the  ground, creating a splash, creating a glowing ripple in the endless void. "The shadow rubbed Peter's furry head with it's 5 wispy fingers, Peter giggled. A distant light had began to creep up from below, growing stronger by the second. "This is a new beginning, buddy. A brighter future!" The light grew stronger and stronger in the distance, lighting up the void that surrounded them. The figure began to vanish as the light grew, Peter's face had never felt such warmth, his body had never felt so much comfort, his feet and hands had stopped feeling numb and the tips of his fingers no longer felt like stubs of wood. "I'll be seeing you, friend!!" Shouted Peter as he stood up and waved towards the bright rising light, "I'll be seeing you very soon!"

NFG

"This is Peter Paray, I am at the point of not giving any fucks. I don't need a fucking narrator to set the mood or to explain the situation. This is the situation. FUCK YOU. My life is a series of fucked up events occurring at the wrong time and I don't need anyone to explain that to you. Yes, it's possible to have a change of heart, it's possible to become a totally new person, but honestly... I don't want to be that person, I like who I am! I like hating everybody, I like hating myself, I like being alone, and being frowned upon by society, that's who I am! I like getting flat tires in the middle of the night, 5 minutes away from home, with a 12 pack of beers in the car and a slight buzz (that 5 minute drive turned into an hour and a half).  I DONT GIVE A FUCK... I am who I am, nobody can change that but me, and I don't care for changing who I am, so I guess that's who I'll be forever. I don't need your approval, I don't need to be accepted. I'm angry that I feel so angry, and that angers me.. Knocking down beers by the minute, I feel sick to my stomach, but that's a feeling that I'm used to, hating my own guts as they breathe and digest for me. I'm a fucking asshole and I've accepted that. I AM PETER PARAY. Bring it on!!!!"

Incredible

If you could go back into your past, at this very moment and change ONE significant event in your life, what would it be and how would your life have been different? 

Back

As you may have never noticed. Peter has been gone for quite some time. He's been on a vacation, a sort of road trip, taking in experiences from an elevated point of view. He had taken off to see the country, to see his people in this place we call home. 

Peter sat in his dark lonely void once again. Remembering the pain, the grief, the memories that made him... Peter. He drank his cat blood and smoked his cigarette. Thinking back at all he had seen, all he'd forgotten, the faces he'd never see again. Life was a realm, and he was the King. 

Peter was sitting down watching the stars fall and planets explode when it all came to him suddenly, all his angst, his anger, his self essence... Suddenly he was sitting within his void, on his throne of old dirty laundry and forgotten photos. "It feels good to be back... Well not really, but I'm back". He listened to the motors roar and it hurt his ears. He had tried to make human contact once again and was rejected.. Once again. It all came back as fast as a flash of lightning, rising up from the ground and creating a loud thunderous roar "I AM PETER PARAY" how did he forget? He had found bliss for what felt like a year, but suddenly had turned into a few seconds. "Where did the time go? All those scenarios and landscapes that I had seen with my own eyes, felt with the very core of my essence, it all turned into one long dream. One beautiful, vivid dream". He tried to live it again but it had passed so fast.. "I'm back to where it all started," but something had changed. His anger was angrier, his disappointment was more disappointing, but more importantly, his void was darker then ever before. 

Bickering Brothers

Looking in from the inside, Peter truly understood what he's always known. Fighting with yourself to make the world your home, but no matter how hard he tried, he's never really been a part of it. Wondering if tomorrow will ever come, closing his eyes every night, thinking he'd never open them again. "I've found my peace, but I can help but wonder what it would've been like. The butterfly effect, a single word, an action, accepting her dollar for a cigarette, it could've changed tomorrow. A good deed goes unnoticed, but a bad thought never goes unpunished." He sat and relished in his foolish wisdom, so bizarre and absurd it sounded almost intelligent. "Everything happens for a reason, and it's all led to this moment, this very second." He regretted nothing and took it all in as if he knew it were coming. Peter was no saint, Peter was no prophet, but he took in life good or bad and turned it in to his twisted fate, is altered future that he called "home."

Spiked

"Hey, babe! Didya miss me?" Peter spoke with confidence, trying to hide his low self esteem. "Nah..." Replied the sweet mellowed out voice of a woman. "I know, that was a rhetorical question you fucking cunt.." The answer only completely annihilated his never existing hope. He spat out words as if they were numbers to a math equation, they had no meaning to him but since he knew how they worked and how to place them, he might as well use them. He sipped from his red coca-cola can and made a grimacing face, twisted and contorted for a few seconds then back to the emotionless, hopeless grin he always has. He sat there staring at the long, green pasture, swaying in the gusty wind, imagining the life of an ant. The woman would curiously watch him as he would move his lips as if whispering a secret to the wind. "What makes you tick Peter?" Peter did not hear her, he was occupied in his own world. "Peter. What makes you tick??" A bit louder she asked again. Peter stopped whispering but still did not hear. There was a loud engine flying above them. Once the engine was barely audible she asked again, a bit annoyed, "what the hell is going through your head all the time Peter?! Peter looked at her directly in the eyes, as if he still did not hear her, but she knows he did..